The Temptress

So there really is such a thing as the power of suggestion. This is what we have learnt from Friday night’s shenanigans.

I’ve been dying to have sex with Matt for months now, but he is notoriously rubbish with women and therefore impervious to my more subtle (what? I can be subtle) advances. But on Friday night I cracked it. It appears the key to it all along was simply to talk about us having sex so much that eventually he was just... numb to the idea. His resolve was shattered. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is when I made my move. I know what you’re thinking – Impressive stuff. My siren-like techniques have to be seen to be believed. I'm a real life temptress.

We’d been at a fancy dinner that night, ostensibly raising money for charity, but really just drinking rather a lot of toxically bad wine. The entire venue was crawling with men I was dying to have sex with, but in the end it was Matt who wound up getting a taxi with a few of us back to my flat. Time for Seduction 101, prepare to take notes.

It was in the taxi that I first started “pretending” I wanted to have sex with him. I think my twisted logic was that if I went totally and completely over the top he would either a) Get the point that I wanted to fuck him, or b) Miss the point and think I was taking the piss. So... I repeatedly made reference to Matt and I being an item, and to Matt and I sleeping together, and every time the poor boy opened his mouth I accused him of flirting with me. It was utterly ridiculous, and very entertaining. Matt was taking the whole thing very well, laughing along and everything. But I can genuinely say that even after our epic cross-town taxi ride, I was no nearer to working out whether he was getting the point or not. Having said that, despite the possibility of aforementioned option a), I don’t think there was any point in the journey at which I really thought this childish tactic would lead to sex.

We arrived home. When everyone was safely ensconced in my sitting room, I decided to hit the hay. My parting shot as I left the room was simply “Matt, it’s time for bed”. I’m nothing if not thorough in my adoption of a technique; seduction by suggestion was now ingrained into my psyche. It was said with the same faux-flirtatiousness as every other comment I’d made so far, and I thought nothing of it.

Imagine my surprise then when I was joined by Matt about 3 minutes later. Hmmm... Maybe the elusive option a) was actually making an appearance. Literally no-one would have predicted that. Oh my god! I am a genius!

He stripped down to his boxers and slid under the duvet. Unfortunately Matt’s infamous inability to take the reins with women continued way past the point of him getting into my bed. I snuggled up to him, I nuzzled his neck, I made it horrifically plain that I wasn’t just in it for a Bert and Ernie style sleepover. Still Matt was failing to pounce on me and rip all my clothes off. There was a lot of shallow breathing and a lot of squeezing me close to him, but not so much of the pouncing and the ripping. After what felt like hours, he finally got his act together and we kissed (actually, I’m pretty sure I actually just rested my mouth on his mouth or something equally ridiculous. Anyway! Never mind that. Or rather, do mind that – this is Seduction 101 and you’re all learning something terribly valuable)...

Triumph! An evening’s worth of pissing about had paid off. Time for some thoroughly un-Sesame Street sexy fun... Except... Ummm... Really?! This was a little bit more like hard work than I was hoping for. Hadn't I done enough?! Matt was still making me do all the leg-work, when what I really wanted was a manly man to take control. The last time I’d spend this long grinding someone with all my clothes on was probably pre-GCSEs. Weirdly though, the wiggling around withallourclotheson was actually kind of great. I’m normally all guns blazing for getting straight down to it (why waste valuable time?!), but you forget how much of a turn on it can be to really hold back... By the time we actually did get naked, I was literally trembling all over with anticipation. So maybe Matt does know what he’s doing? Double triumph and hooray for building up to it!

The sex – when it eventually happened – was excellent. Having walked like John Wayne for about a week after my encounter with Adam, I was seriously glad of some more gentle treatment. It’s true; Matt was not your average throw-you-round-the-bed, chest-beating, alpha male. But what he lacked in animal ferocity he made up for in some of the most tantalisingly slow, incredibly arousing sex I have had for ages.

[By the way, when I say tantalisingly slow, I mean that we finally went to sleep well after 7 o’clock in the morning. Who needs sleep anyway?]

Although in reality there probably wouldn’t have been enough hours in the day, it would have been nice to have a bit more lovely sex when Matt and I woke up again. But the preamble alone could have lasted until well into X Factor. There was also still a room full of people who had fallen asleep all over the sitting room... These waifs and strays began demanding attention and pain-killers and phone chargers at about 11 o’clock, and after that there was no going back to bed. Which is a shame, because lovely as sex with Matt was, and much as I’d like to repeat it, I just don’t know if I could be bothered with all the pursuing on another occasion. I mean, the thrill of the chase and all that, sure. But there must be easier ways to go about getting laid than the several hours of groundwork I put in that night...?

Depends what you’re after I guess. And maybe Matt won’t be the boy I call if I’m in desperate need of a quickie... But if I’ve got time for a slowie, he’d definitely be fairly high up the list.

On the briefest of brief digressions, I would like to announce that I have returned to normality and sanity after completely losing my head over Adam. I was transported back to my teenage years by seeing him again and momentarily regressed to being 14 years old. I am now fully prepared to admit that I was in the throes of post-coital teenage ecstasy, and therefore everything I said about making him my boyfriend should be scratched from the records. Although if he were to ask me out, I just don’t know what I’d say. Still, I think that eventuality is unlikely... I’ll keep you posted.

BeDJ